| Author | Message | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1237 Registered: 12-2003 |
Revision: Paint This is truth bending from my palm-- I make myself taller on canvas. Burnt Sienna and Cadmium are the outline of my neck. A stem reaching copper leaves that blow backward from my ears. I have changed my spine, the curve now defined with thumbprints. Cobalt and Umber weather the moss and bark so I merge in the pattern-blues of the hillside. The brush alters my smile, Crimson Lake softened with linseed-- the most vibrant lines a water-sky has ever seen. My limbs, a sentence of flowers walking through tall grass. The knife cuts Terra Rosa across my shoulders-- a ledge that bears every blow, offers seeds to red kites and gives flight to ravens. A wingspan no wider than my arms, no wider than my heart soaking Yellow Ochre from sundown. I cover my feet with a handprint-- Ultramarine and stand back, wet a cloth with turpentine erasing the paint that made me. (This is where I am so far, I've included many suggestions.. Thanks all) ------------------------------------------- I realise this idea has been done many times before, but felt it was time to do my own considering I pick up the brush now and again. I'm very excited to see a new hard-crit forum. I'm hiding under the desk... do your worst! Original: Paint This is truth bending from my palm-- I make myself taller on canvas. Burnt sienna and cadmium is the outline of my neck. The stem in reach with copper leaves that air blows backwards over my ears. I have changed my spine, the curve now defined with thumbprints. Cobalt, umber and viridian weather the moss and bark so I merge in the pattern-blues of the hillside. The brush holds my smile, crimson lake softened with linseed-- the most vivid lines a water-sky has ever seen. My limbs, a sentence of flowers walking through tall grass. The knife cuts terra rosa across my shoulders-- a ledge that bears every blow, offers seeds to red kites and gives flight to ravens. A wing-span no wider than my arms, no wider than my heart soaking yellow ochre from sundown. I cover my feet with a handprint-- ultramarine and stand back, wet a cloth with turpentine and scrub at the paint that made me. (Message edited by lia on July 27, 2005) (Message edited by lia on July 27, 2005) (Message edited by lia on July 29, 2005) (Message edited by lia on July 30, 2005) (Message edited by lia on August 02, 2005) | ||
| Don Schaeffer
Advanced Member Username: don_schaeffer Post Number: 26 Registered: 12-2003 |
Your poem is exquisite. You need no help from me. The only thing is your punctuation. It's a little unconventional in spots. You might want to think about it. This is truth bending from my palm-- I make myself taller on canvas. Burnt sienna and cadmium is the outline of my neck. The stem in reach with copper leaves that air blows backwards over my ears. I have changed my spine, the curve now defined with thumbprints. Cobalt, umber and viridian weather the moss and bark so I merge in the pattern-blues of the hillside. The brush holds my smile, crimson lake softened with linseed-- the most vivid lines a water-sky has ever seen. My limbs, a sentence of flowers walking through tall grass. The knife cuts terra rosa across my shoulders-- a ledge that bears every blow, offers seeds to red kites and gives flight to ravens. A wing-span no wider than my arms, no wider than my heart soaking yellow ochre from sundown. I cover my feet with a handprint-- ultramarine and stand back, wet a cloth with turpentine and scrub at the paint that made me. | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1242 Registered: 12-2003 |
Kind Thanks Don. I must admit that punctuation isn't one of my strengths! I'll make your suggested changes to the piece in a moment.. Thank you. kind regards lia | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 66 Registered: 05-2005 |
hi lia yes paint and poetry have been done many times but your extended metaphor of a self portrait perhaps not so widespread. i imagine you wrote this from a picture in your mind and perhaps one in front of you, and thus some of the references are from that internal picture you're working from. unfortunately, the reader does not share the picture so some exposition is necessary to kind of give an anchor to the reading experience. i'll get specific down below. i know, i'm talking in abstracts and you are thinking 'what the hell is he talking about?' lol This is truth bending from my palm-- I make myself taller on canvas. i'm thinking a better word choice is out there than 'make'-- thesaurus time  Burnt sienna and cadmium is the outline 'are the outline' of my neck. The stem in reach ok here is one of those internal picture things. you see a stem of some tree and refer to it here. but the reader is left with "stem, what stem, where did a stem come from? and what is it in reach of?" with copper leaves that air blows backwards again, 'copper leaves that air blows backwards' or is it 'copper leaves' and then a pause, then 'that air blows backwards' because of the ambiguity of the structure, its hard for the reader to get a clear picture from the poem which engenders some frustration and takes him/her out of the reading experience. over my ears. I have changed my spine, the curve now defined with thumbprints. Cobalt, umber and viridian weather the moss and bark i would stick with two colors here so I merge in the pattern-blues very nice double meaning in this line turned on the word 'merge' of the hillside. The brush holds my smile, crimson lake softened with linseed-- is crimson lake a color or is there a crimson lake in the painting? again, the internal picture thing the most vivid lines a water-sky i'd look for a better word than 'vivid' seems too abstract, try for a simile? has ever seen. My limbs, a sentence of flowers walking through tall grass. a very nice line The knife cuts terra rosa palette knife? across my shoulders-- a ledge i would look at putting ledge in front of 'shoulders' to help that simile take flight. its to easy to miss this way. i.e., 'across the ledge of my shoulders that bear every blow...' that bears every blow, offers seeds to red kites and gives flight to ravens. A wing-span no wider than my arms, no wider than my heart soaking yellow ochre from sundown. I cover my feet nice with a handprint-- ultramarine and stand back, wet a cloth with turpentine and scrub at the paint that made me.ok you have a good ending but i wanted something a bit more unusual. perhaps more specific on what you would rub out. i.e., 'wet a cloth with turpentine and scrub off my eyes.' or mouth or ...' this piece has much going for it, i hope you keep working on it. hope this was some help. s | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1243 Registered: 12-2003 |
This is wonderful Steve! Thank you so much for spending time here. Your suggestions have helped a great deal. I'll work through your suggestions tomorrow, but here are some answers to your questions that you've also made incase you want to add any further crit. 'stem'.. I origonally had: 'my neck-- the stem in reach of copper leaves' (my neck being the stem.. which sets up the double meaning of being part of the landscape) you are right that I shouldn't break on 'leaves' as there's no pause. (leaves are hair) 'crimson lake' is an oil colour, may be I could hyphenate it? yep, it's a palette knife I must say that your suggestion with 'ledge' and 'vivid' is great. The ending might be a bit more difficult as I want to say that I scrub out the whole of me, but much to think about and sort through. I'll certainly keep working on it.. you've inspired me! Thank you. kind regards lia | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2561 Registered: 07-2002 |
Lia-- Steve has already given you some great suggestions. I'll tack on my impressions here as well. Best, ljc This is truth bending from my palm-- <--perhaps strike this line. I like the strength of the next line as an opening. I make myself taller on canvas. Burnt sienna and cadmium is the outline of my neck. The stem in reach with copper leaves that air blows backwards over my ears. I have changed A lot of passive voice here, along with the awk bit Steve pointed out. Maybe change to: 'Outline the stem of my neck/in burnt sienna and cadmium./The air blows copper/leaves over my ears. I have changed' my spine, the curve now defined with thumbprints. Cobalt, umber <--love this image and viridian weather the moss and bark so I merge in the pattern-blues of the hillside. The brush holds my smile, crimson lake softened with linseed-- the most vivid lines a water-sky has ever seen. My limbs, a sentence of flowers walking through tall grass. <--stellar line! The knife cuts terra rosa across my shoulders-- a ledge that bears every blow, offers seeds to red kites and gives flight to ravens. A wing-span no wider than my arms, no wider than my heart soaking yellow ochre from sundown. I cover my feet with a handprint-- ultramarine and stand back, wet a cloth with turpentine and scrub at the paint that made me. ?erasing every line that made me?" perhaps italicize all the paint name colors? Fine work, Lia. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1245 Registered: 12-2003 |
Thank you everso much ljc. I'm working through all suggestions made here including your own at the moment in 'word'. I'm trying to find a way to keep the language and rhyme of S2 without the complicated wording of it. So far I've come up with this.. 'Burnt Sienna and Cadmium are the outline of my neck. A stem in reach of copper leaves that wind blows back from my ears. I have changed' ..there's quite a few simplified word changes.. would love to know if this is any better..? alternatively to italics, may be capitalizing them.. let me look at the paints a moment.. yes they are capitals. what do you think..? (I've put capitals in S2 above) I'll continue to look at the other suggestions now. kind regards lia (Message edited by lia on July 28, 2005) | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1246 Registered: 12-2003 |
another thought.. Burnt Sienna and Cadmium are the outline of my neck. A stem reaching copper leaves that blow backward from my ears. I have changed | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1118 Registered: 11-2003 |
excellent poem lia I disagree with WCW who said "first thoughts, best thoughts" I like the afterthought the best laurie | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1249 Registered: 12-2003 |
laurie, glad you came by to let me know.. I've been um-ing and ah-ing over that second S.. I've changed it, then put it back, changed it, then put it back again.. haha I'll go and change it and try to leave it there! thank you lia |
